The Daughter.

I have not been looking forward to this particular Concerned Blogger‘s post for some time now. Secretly dreading the day when none of the other participants had a ’cause’ they wanted broadcast out into the Second Life world… here we go.

This isn’t a coming out party in the wonderful sexuality sense. It’s more coming to face my fears of being labeled. I loath labeling and have felt the wrath of it on my brain for years. Even my ex-bosses 10-year-old kid has called me names because I am…quite plainly…different.

I’m not crazy. I’m not a weirdo. I’m not a cry baby.

I am an introverted, socially shy at times, sensitive woman…when the mood strikes me. I also have been diagnosed with Major Chronic Depression. The big D. My illness can be quite severe at times, so much so that I must regulate my interactions from day-to-day with people. I must always be cognizant of my surroundings and mindful of not letting my triggers get the best of me. The fastidious attention the illness demands can be so draining, which causes most of its patients to sleep. Sleep is the best refuge for the weary, and it was definitely mine during the worst of it.

In the past 8 months, I have started going through an intensive therapy program two hours a week, every week. I have corrected my diet, exercise, vitamin intake, and done extensive journaling of progress, set backs, and memories from my youth. Luckily, I have been able to look at my brain, body and heart as a full-time job. Allowing myself to fully explore what needs to be done to help my brain process why this depression can be so consuming. No part of this process has been easy, but I can say that when I realize that something no longer triggers me the way it used to – I feel like a rock star. That is what drives me.

Because I completely decided to give myself over to a new way of thinking – my brother calls it “drinking the koolaid(a reference to the Jonestown massacre) – I am no longer ashamed of my body. I walk around in my bathing suit at ease when we are at the lake in front of anyone.

I eat mostly organic foods, some from my own garden, which has stopped all my tummy issues. No more bad pooping and laying in bed all day with horrible stomach aches.

Lastly, I have given up caffeine which has totally changed my life. I no longer have horrible boob pain from fibrocystic (lumpy) breasts. I don’t shake with anxiety and I certainly don’t miss the crutch it provided. If I am tired, I simply lay down and rest.

I realize not everyone can devote this time and energy to this process. I’m just telling my story in hopes that one day, if you have the opportunity, you might consider looking into this. Just because we have this illness, doesn’t mean we have live a life in shame. Fuck them with their fucking labels. Let them learn that opening your heart and seeing the good inside is what matters.

Labels are for cleaning instructions on clothing, not for people.

This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by the Concerned Bloggers Association. If you would like to become involved, please contact Marleen Vaughan for more information.
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5 thoughts on “The Daughter.

  1. […] Marleen Vaughan of coffeesmoke blog writes about her personal struggles with Chronic Major Depression. Please read her vivid description of her life struggling with this illness. Click here for the full story: https://coffeesmoke.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/thedaughter/ […]

  2. Good on you, Marls. You are a wonderful person, and the things you have described here that you have done to take control of your life seem like the sorts of things we should all do, to take care of ourselves, whether our doctors tell us to or not. I think that, at the end of the day, we all ought to be concerned for our own mental and physical wellbeing, and the mental and physical wellbeing of those we care about. Labels aren’t useful to anybody, and it isn’t fair to start throwing them around when we don’t know the first thing about each other.

    I’ll get back in my box now, lol. Just wanted to send some love, really, and say that though it might be a hard topic to talk about, it is certainly an important one. But you knew that already :)

  3. chiana0 says:

    A wonderful post! Big, big hugs <3

  4. Well done sister. It’s so wonderful that you’ve had the courage and strength to make some positive changes in your life. You’re a rockstar in my book!

  5. Thanks everyone for the happy feedback. It feels good to be surrounded by the awesome-est group of ladies ever in Second Life. :) I plan on writing two more parts to this blog: The son. and The Mother. It will be nice to share my experiences with other types of mental illness besides depression with the world.

    Thank you so much. OXOX

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